The second house is the house of assets, resources and self-worth. Those for me are difficult topics to look at without feelings of shame and sadness. If this is the case for you too, remember: the first step in the practice is to be as objective as possible. Describe the facts before asking yourself how you feel about them. And if any uncomfortable feelings arise, please be kind and gentle to yourself. What you are doing right now is really brave and will prove to be very healing.
So here we go.
Possessions and property seems like a safe place to start. The facts are that I have always lived in rental places and never owned a property of my own. At this moment I live in a nice apartment and work in a separate studio. In both places I have gathered more books than I will ever be able to read and there has always been enough money coming in to afford fresh food, good quality self-care products, the occasional new dress and plants and flowers for the house and roofgarden. In other words: the basics are more than covered.
Money and financial resources are alright at the moment, but if anything happens that requires large expenses, I would not be able to afford them on my own. In other words: I am not entirely financially independent.
Over the past few years, I have been self-employed. There is enough money coming in to cover the bills and, as mentioned above, eat and dress well, but it is only hand-to-mouth. What comes in, goes straight out again.
It was not always like this. When I was younger, I really enjoyed saving up pocket money and the little amounts I earned playing music at street festivals. In secondary school I developed a great interest in beautifully designed clothes and in my first years at university I would save all the tips I earned waiting tables to buy that one special dress or coat. All of this changed when I fell in love with a charming young man who lived in another country. We travelled up and down for three years before I moved in with him. Money was spent on flights and trains and paying the rent in a big city. Our relationship didn’t last and I moved back to rebuild my life in my native country. In recent years I have focused on discovering what type of work makes me feel most alive and not on making money. That did not feel as urgent or important. And it still doesn’t. However, I am slowly waking up to the reality of my circumstances. I will have to give money more priority. I will not be able to create real financial independence and safety without rising my income too.
And yet. Work that makes you feel alive matters. There are more resources than the money on your bank account. Exploring the themes of the second house includes looking at your personal assets and resources. Are you aware of the talents you have? What are you naturally good at? How much of these talents are you sharing with the world?
I have to confess it feels uncomfortable to write about my talents. One of them, although I am not often inclined to describe it as such, is a deep sensitivity. I have always been very aware of the emotional and energetic state of those around me. Calming others down and not causing any upset were important to me as it made my life easier. The less tension whirling around in the air, the better. For me this included playing down my talents. They made me feel uncomfortably different, and without actually realising it, I was afraid it would disturb the calm when I embraced them. So I kept quiet, but nonetheless, deep down inside, I felt separate and alone.
That discomfort is still there. And yet. On we go.
My natural gifts and talents are to do with language and communication; intellect and learning; teaching and coaching; leadership and vision; structuring and organising; creativity; presenting and performing; connecting; providing safe and calm spaces; intuition and sensitivity.
Last year, I sent invoices for writing, communicating, translating, organising, teaching and presenting. On the surface level, I earned my living by using my talents. However, the talents that I most love to tap into, have been lying dormant. I am not creating my own art or writing, nor am I beautifying my house or workspace. I have spent very little time presenting or in front of a class, and I really quite miss ‘being on stage’. I also miss working with children on a regular basis and would love to do more coaching of both young people and adults.
I became a freelancer because I realised that space to breathe, think and be creative is essential for my well-being. Examining the way I spend my time now, helps me realise this space does not automatically come with being self-employed. I am in fact still doing what I did when I was on a pay roll!
In this review of the second house, we are looking at resources. The most valuable resource we have, is time. How am I spending mine?
I am spending a lot of it on the ground, stuck in practicalities, doing things that I feel need to get done. I tend to pick up many tasks myself rather than find and train people to delegate to. This is partly because busying my mind with work distracts it from wandering places where I would rather not spend time. More on this in a minute.
In the previous year, a lot of the work I did was unpaid. I found myself taking the lead in a number of cultural organisations run by volunteers. They are all wonderful organisations that I deeply care about. I want them to thrive, so I gladly pour precious time and energy into them. When I begin to worry about not being able to pay the bills, I tell myself the investment will pay off later once I offer my skills elsewhere. And charge properly for it.
This brings me to the final, and perhaps most difficult element of the second house: self-worth. It has, I guess, always been a lingering problem, but in recent years there is no hiding from the fact that I often feel deeply, even painfully, unsafe. And as a result, I rarely feel good enough.
This is not so much the case on a professional level: I know what I’m good at and when I’m at work, I can feel and come across as rather confident. Charging properly is still a challenge, as is offering my leadership qualities to places where the staff is paid and see if they will hire me.
But. And. Yet. The main area where this not-feeling-good-enough comes into play, is the realm of intimate relationships.
Whenever there is someone in my life whom I dream of being together with for, well, perhaps for ever, a really old fear emerges, making it very hard for me to believe that this someone will dream this dream with me. That I could relax into this love and indeed live happily ever after.
Thankfully, therapy, coaching and other practices have helped me uncover the root of this fear. I am now making really good progress in my healing process. But I am not quite there yet.
Few people know quite how much I have struggled in my intimate relationships. The truth is, I find it really hard to trust that I am safe and loved and looked after with care. Instead of seeing what is good and warm, I find myself scanning the environment for danger. And of course you only notice what you expect to find.
As I am scanning the environment, I am constantly comparing my insides to the outsides of other women. A comparison I never fail to loose. They all seem much more beautiful, attractive, confident, fun, fit, carefree and energetic. They are intelligent, creative, successful and interesting. They do lots of impressive and good work. People praise them for what they do. People fall in love with them all the time. People want to be with them, make love to them, spend the rest of their lives with them.
Where other women, in my perception, effortlessly take up space in the world, I shrink. I step back. I make myself small so as not to get hurt. I brace myself but cannot avoid the ‘attack’ of catching glimpses on websites, newspapers, social media or even outside on the street. Glimpses that send me down the rabbit whole of fearful thoughts again. Sometimes I don’t even need external triggers: my mind can offer a word or an image which makes me think of a situation, a person, and before long I’m lost again in a world where I would so much rather not spend anymore time.
The next step in the practice is to look over the inventory and allow your feelings to arise. If writing the inventory has taken a long time and was already quite hard, please take a break first. Go out for a walk, take a cleansing shower or bath, have something nice to eat or drink. The review of this – rather extensive – inventory can be found in the next blog post.
My rising sign 