Some days later than planned, I am sitting down with a cup of tea and two lists. One is the starfish on my House II themes. The other is a schedule with the steps that I translated the starfish notes into.
The first thing scheduled for last week was ‘start daily meditation practice’. Indeed, I am now listening to one or more guided meditations on the Buddhify app on a daily basis. And loving it. The meditations have already helped me start a day feeling fuzzy, warm and hopeful; focus before a challenging phone call; calm down when things felt intense; get back to sleep in the middle of the night. They accompany me on the train, in the supermarket and as I walk to my studio. Already after ten days, I am starting to feel more grounded and better able to find my way back when I’m spinning out of orbit.
The second thing-to-do was to simply sit down and check-in. Which I didn’t! So what did I do instead? I worked my way through a long list of tasks that I committed to before the winter break and before taking stock of my assets, resources and self-worth. Also, there was some turbulence on a personal level which left me feeling sad and worried and, in all honesty, too tired to write.
Thankfully, each new day offers an opportunity to start again.
So here I am, checking in. And in a few days I will check in for the second time. Back on track. Although I did not sit down to review my practice last week, failing to do so has actually deepened my understanding of the situation that I am seeking to change.
Looking back, I seem to have spent most of last week organising and communicating. Preparing meetings, attending them, structuring projects, sending information, talking to people. Looking closer, I realise that the three organisations I dedicated most of my time to last week are all in a similar phase. Despite the fact that one of them started decades ago, another about five to six years and the third is still in its first year, they are all transforming. Each of these organisations is moving up to a higher pace, developing new structures internally and offering the outside world better access to their skills, services, talents, products and ideas.
One of my dear friends likes to compare such transformations to launching a rocket. Getting it off the ground and into space is really hard and requires an incredible amount of energy. I actually like that. As I mentioned in a previous post: I like shooting for the moon. I love being involved in this process of launching a rocket.
[ Side note: in astrology, each sign has a modality and and element. The three modalities are cardinal, fixed and mutable. As Chani Nicholas writes: ‘The modality of a sign tells us what its job is. Cardinal signs initiate new seasons. Fixed signs stabilise the existing season. Mutable signs let go of one season in preparation for another.’
In my natal chart, I have both my Sun and Mars in Capricorn, which is a mutable sign. If you look at it from an astrological perspective, it is no surprise that I am naturally drawn to initiating the new: the Sun speaks to your identity and the position of Mars tells you where and how you take action.]
But my friend is right: launching a rocket does require a considerable amount of time and energy. And I need to be more mindful of how I spend mine. How though? The engines are running in all three rockets. It is not an option to call the launches off.
So what can I do to protect my time and energy, particularly where it comes to the two organisations where I work on a voluntary basis? I will have to finish whatever projects are mine to finish and in the mean time find people to delegate future work to. I will also inform my colleagues that something is about to change. I want them to know that I will not be available as often as I have been so far and am, in fact, considering leaving. Much as though I care about both organisations and love seeing them thrive, I have to take responsibility for my future self and make sure that she is financially independent and therefore safe and taken care of.
This is new. Before reviewing my second house themes, I was vaguely aware that making good money was not a priority for me. I don’t really care about material things and apart from my rent my expenses are modest. I knew, on a rational level, that clearing debt, saving for larger and future expenses was important, but my focus was on paying the monthly bills. Which was a challenge in and of itself as a freelancer in the arts. Having taken a closer look at my assets and resources though, I now realise that it is time for an upgrade in my personal business. There is a rocket to launch there.
Which means I need time and energy. I need to say ‘no’ to the pro deo work so I can spend those hours on paid projects. If I would have sent invoices for the unpaid work last week, I would have covered at least half of my monthly expenses. I simply cannot afford to carry on like this.
Before I wrap up this check-in, I am taking a quick glance at the schedule to see what I am supposed to do this week. I have scheduled bringing my attitude towards money to my coach. She and I take it in turns to coach each other and I had not realised this week was my turn to coach her, so I will have to reschedule this step.
Also scheduled for this week: planning days off in the upcoming months to declutter. And: check-in. Both of these actions should be doable in the next couple of days. I do not need to enlist any support. In fact, returning to this blog and to the writing already helps to show up and stay committed. So to those of you reading: thank you. Thank you so much for listening.
My rising sign 