The third house is not only the house of daily life and daily rituals. It is also the realm of siblings, cousins, other extended family and close friends who feel like family.
As I am writing this inventory we have spent almost two years in and out of lockdown. Over the course of this extraordinary period, some friends who were more distant at first became really close. And at the same time I have lost touch with others who, before the pandemic, were a constant in my life.
Much to my own surprise, I do not mind the disconnect. This was much different a few years ago: I kept in touch with as many people as I could. Nowadays, I like to think of friends as travel companions. Some are only there for a short part of the journey, others walk along for much longer.
Staying connected is easier when you share the same ideas, interests and experiences. Sometimes what you share is only temporary. Sometimes what you share is more the activity, the being at the same place at the same time, than anything else.
In a way this applies to my cousins. When my grandparents were still alive, we, their grandchildren, would meet to celebrate birthdays, Christmas and other festivities together. Or we would drop by on a Sunday afternoon, knowing that ‘the others’ were likely to be there too. After my grandparents passed about a decade ago, our focus shifted; my parents do still meet with their siblings, but the large extended family gatherings no longer take place. And actually, I don’t really mind. I love my cousins and I feel grateful for the wonderful time we spent growing up together. I know we all keep an eye out for each other. Ask our parents if everyone is alright. Are happy when a new family member arrives. I know we will support each other in times of grief and loss. But for now, we are all walking our own path. And that is why I am mentioning my cousins and extended family here, but will not include them in the further steps of this practice.
One family member, or rather two, who I would like to include in the practice, are my sister and her newborn son. As I said before, I shall not share information about my loved ones, because this isn’t mine to share. What I would like to mention though, is how much it means to me to get to know my sister in an entirely new way. She and I were very much walking our own path for the last couple of years, but the arrival of her boy has reconnected us and it is deepening our relationship in ways I could not have imagined. When asked who my closest friends are, I will certainly mention her.
And then there are friends who are my chosen family. About a third of them are men, the rest of them are women. Some I have literally known my entire life, others I have only met just before the pandemic, but have become very dear to me since. Quite a few of them live abroad. There are some small groups, such as the three girls I went to school with or the three girls who were on the same coaching training. But most are individuals, they are that one person who stayed, even though whatever it was we started doing together, be it work, study or acting in the same play, ended a while ago.
These friends, the ones I consider as close as family, some perhaps even closer, are the people I could call in the middle of the night if something were wrong. The ones who help me move house. The ones who don’t care if I show up in my most worn out clothes or fanciest dress, with or without make-up, if I am cheerful or exhausted. The ones with whom it is as if no time has passed, even when we have not seen each other for months. The ones who are curious and ask great questions. The ones who share what they have learned. The ones whom I can be quiet with. The ones who find calm and peace with me. The ones who make me laugh. The ones who will send me music. The ones who come and find me whenever they need someone to talk to. The ones who trust me with their children. The ones who share their vulnerability with me. The ones who never judge me. The ones I never judge. The ones who are always on my side. The ones I always support. The ones who take me and see me as I am.
And that is exactly what I would like to note in this inventory: being myself. Just being. If and when I am completely at ease and relaxed, I soften. It is a visable shift. And it is literally easier to just give me a hug. Even if that was what I really needed all along, apparently I seem to signal: I got this. No need to hold me. But that is such nonsense. I love being held by those I care about and who care about me. I love holding them.
However, even when I’m with my closest of closest friends, the softening takes time. I might arrive feeling tense about one thing or another (which has nothing to do with them). Or I am relaxed, but they arrive feeling tense about one thing or another (which has nothing to do with me). And that is when it takes time to soften. When it takes time for me to not be vigilant, to just let go, be quiet, to simply be. I would love for this gentle, soft and calm me to be there much more often. For this to be my natural state, particularly when I’m spending time with such dear friends.
In the third part of this House III inventory, I shall be looking at communication.
My rising sign 