Turning the ideas and wishes gathered in the starfish into actionable steps that can be put on a calendar is not always as straightforward. When I was writing up my starfish for the third house, I already knew that I would have to filter it all once more, simply because the list was becoming very long.
But before I do that, I want to share some thoughts on perfectibility. Which actually ties in nicely with the sign that the sun is in now: Aquarius, the water bearer. In a separate post I will further explore the qualities of this sign. I have never really felt I understood it. In fact, this was in the back of my mind when I started designing this practice: perhaps it will help me connect to those signs that feel foreign to me. For now though, it is enough to remember that Aquarius is a fixed sign and communication and the intellect are very important to it.
What this makes me think of, is the historical period of the Enlightenment. One of the central ideas at that time, was that people could achieve pretty much anything by developing their intellect and using it well. This optimism and belief in progress created a lot of momentum and, as you probably know, even revolution and change.
The notion that was so clearly expressed then, is still present in todays society. Yes, we can. We can change the world for the better, if only we put ourselves to it.
I believe that too. As a person, as a teacher, as a coach. Yes, indeed, we can. There is so much beauty in encouraging one another, reminding people they have the ability and the power to create, to make things happen, to improve their circumstances, fight inequality and oppression – but there is a danger there as well. Because with great power, comes great responsibility.
If you grow up in a world where life is what you make it, failure and things not working out can easily become personal. Not creating the perfect picture all too soon equals not being good enough.
It is an enormous challenge to stick to your own standard of good enough when the majority of pictures in commercials, in the media and on social media are heavily edited and show unattainable versions of reality. And it can also be challenging to remember that looking a certain way, owning particular objects, making a certain amount of money does not necessarily make you feel better inside.
What are we actually striving for? What does perfect look like? What will you do when you achieve it? Hold tight and hope it doesn’t break? Will it be enjoyable at all? I don’t think it will. There is something rigid about perfect. Fixed. I imagine perfect as a vacuum. No air. No space to breathe. Not at all lively, vibrant or energised.
I don’t believe perfect is what we should aim for. And I certainly don’t want anyone, including myself, to aim for it whilst following this practice. To feel pressured to get it all right at once. To feel pressured to get it right at all. That is why I am taking this pause to reflect before I translate the starfish into actionable steps.
This practice is meant to lighten the load, not to overburden yourself. It is designed to celebrate what is already wonderful and beautiful and expand on that. We work from the premiss that you are always good enough. There is no need to change you. What we are looking at, are changes you might want to make in your life in order for the wonderful and beautiful person that you are to become more visible, like a star shining brighter in the sky.
A medicine woman’s prayer
I will not rescue you, for you are not powerless / I will not fix you, for you are not broken / I will not heal you, for I see you in your wholeness / I will walk with you through the darkness, as you remember your light.
As I have said before, I have always believed that ‘shoot for the moon, even when you miss, you will land among the stars‘ is a beautiful encouragement. People often mistake this belief for perfectionism. But there is a difference. Shooting for the moon is liberating. Perfectionism is not. It is an attempt to not get hurt, to keep bad things from happening by not making mistakes.
Perfectionism is not foreign to me. There was a time in my life, a very long time even, when it drove me to study extra hard and do really well. It wasn’t until I qualified as a teacher that I learned to value the intention and not the end result. Since then I have been able to help students and clients who, as I myself had done, held on to their perfectionism for dear life, wriggle free from its grip.
It was obvious that their perfectionism helped them produce great work. Others said it was wonderful, they themselves could see it was good. And that validation seemed so much easier than valuing themselves for who they were as a person, already good enough without producing anything.
Working as a teacher helped me really get to know and appreciate my own ability to see value. Particularly to see the many ways in which value shows. In the years before, when my worked revolved around literature, I had relied on this ability too. But I realise now that those five years of teaching full time have really helped me trust it properly. And since that trust is there, I fully rely on myself when it comes to valuing my work. Instead of waiting for others to validate what I create and do, I trust that I did the best I could. And that is always more than enough.
I no longer produce anything for external validation.
That does not mean I don’t have high standards. But I am shooting for those standards because I feel inspired and energised and because I have a vision, an ideal. I see endless possibilities. Hope springs eternal. There is always light. Love wins. Yes, we can. Some might say this is my rising sign speaking. Others say that I am a dreamer. I would not argue with them.
But I do argue with those who call me a perfectionist. Because when perfectionism comes into the mix, there is a sense of fear. There is the anxiety that if you make a mistake, if you fail, if you are told you could or should have done things differently, if what you create is not appreciated, then you will be hurt, disconnected, alone – and it will all be your fault.
I will readily admit that the one realm where I do still experience this anxiety, is in my intimate relationships. I have written about this in my second house inventory. And perhaps there is a hint of this fear present even with my closest friends, the ones with whom I would love to be even more calm, gentle and present, as described in the third house inventory.
On which note: it is time to turn my focus to the starfish and the steps. Having reflected upon perfectionism versus idealism helps me to look at the ideas and wishes with extra kindness. There is no need to get anything right. No need to tick all of these things off in a few weeks time.
It is already very helpful to have made the inventory and become aware of unhelpful patterns, to be reminded of the luminaries I am shooting for. This gives a sense of direction. And just doing the next right thing, one step at the time, will eventually take me all the way home.
My rising sign 