Now I was not expecting this either. But it might happen to you as well if and when you follow this practice. So that is why I am taking some time to write about it here.
You might identify something you wish to change and give it a name. You translate this something into a small actionable step. And as you are coming closer to the step, the thing you wish to change turns out to be a little more complex than you thought. You even begin to wonder if you described it properly in the first place.
This is what happened for me with the topic ‘contacts and connections’, part of the theme of communication. I noted: ‘I have a feeling that it is time to make space for new people, new experiences and new memories.‘ And at the same time, I sensed ‘a reluctance to let go of what I had built up over the years.’
This reluctance made itself known again when I sat down with my inventory to explore how I felt about all the notes I had made. Something was telling me: ‘deleting accounts or crossing names out of digital address books will not bring the relief you seek.‘
In that case, I thought, there is nothing else to it but to take time to grief and be sad about the people whose email addresses or profiles I might decide to remove from my radar. And so the steps I scheduled, were:
- take time to grief
- let go of former friends, colleagues and connections with a ritual
About a week later, I was talking to my coach about professional communication and the types of projects I wished to focus on. When we came to the third type, the public interviews with artists, I blocked. I felt a strong physical respons, in my chest and stomach, which said: don’t go there. It is not safe. It is not a good place to be. And this had nothing to do with the artists, but everything with the creative industry that helped them produce and sell their work. The same industry where the people worked who I was considering to delete from my digital address book.
This worried me. And so I took the topic to my therapist for further exploration. In an earlier post I described how she and I untangled my conflicting feelings around those people and the creative industry. I now understand why that ‘world’ felt like an unsafe place for me. There is a certain dynamic, a certain code which puts status, network and success above who you are as a person. Your assets, talents and unique gifts are valued as long as people can relate them to their industry. It is not really about you, it is about your output, the people you know, the people who know you. I remember former colleagues who asked: ‘What do you do?’ and began to look over my shoulder for someone else to speak to when I said: ‘Teaching’ or ‘coaching’.
Although perhaps this dynamic is shifting, as it is in other parts of society, and kinder, wiser, less self-centred people are now in leadership positions, creating more horizontal structures and encouraging different communication styles, the ‘old way’ is still present.
If I were less sensitive, I would perhaps not even have noticed all of this. And I would perhaps not have cared. But I do notice and I do care. And I am so painfully aware of the code of conduct, that almost each time I speak to someone in that industry, particularly if they are a woman, my mind begins to compare. Where do I stand? What is my rank? Am I good enough? All this does not mean I agree with this code, just that I know it still applies. Which hurts, because I do not stand anywhere in that industry anymore, but part of me is still in love with it.
And that is the problem.
When I started working in that industry, I loved the number of creative, visionary, forward-thinking people I met. I felt at home with them and with the artists. I loved the international aspects of my work. There was so much to discover, to learn and there were so many beautiful works of art to put out into the world.
And yet. It didn’t work out.
The industry and I turned out not to be as compatible as is required for a long-term relationship. It is as simple as that. Analysing the dynamics and codes has helped me understand why we were not compatible then and will not be compatible in the future either. This will probably also help me process the break-up. But given that the industry and I were together for quite some time, it might take more than an analysis to heal and move on.
What I realise now, is that the real reason why part of me wanted to cross all those names out of my address book, was to not have to see them anymore. As long as I am still a little heart-broken, I am not strong enough to resist the Pavlovian response I have to people, particularly women, who are doing the kind of work I used to do. The part of me that still wants to belong to that world, automatically falls back into those dynamics of comparing and seeking external validation. Which is of course awful.
So what does one do to recover from a break-up? Often not seeing the former beloved for a good amount of time helps. Clearing out the things that remind you of them. Reminding yourself of why it did not and will not work. Reconnecting with people or pass-times you had not paid attention to while you were in the relationship. Radical self-care.
Now, let’s look at the steps again.
- take time to grief
- let go of former friends, colleagues and connections with a ritual
Writing this post is how I took time to grief. And this is my ritual. Not so much as a means to let go of people. Because I have come to realise that what I really need to do, is to say goodbye to an industry, a ‘world’ I was once very much in love with. Today I have made a conscious start with that. And I will now, with equal awareness, take my distance.
On a practical level this means that I will, for the time being, not actively seek new interview projects with artists related to this particular creative industry. Should anyone approach me and ask me to do one, I will certainly consider it, but I will take some time to think about it properly and check in with myself to see if I am ready for it.
Over the course of this year, there will be more opportunities to take this process of grieving and clearing out further such as the lunar eclipse in Scorpio mid May and the entire month September when my tenth house of career and public roles comes into focus. I am putting a note in my calendar now, to come back to this post then.
My rising sign 